The Need for Control: Why Uncertainty Can Feel So Uncomfortable
Growth Era Counseling & Wellness | Telehealth Therapy Across Connecticut
If you struggle with anxiety, you may have noticed how uncomfortable uncertainty can feel.
You might find yourself thinking through every possible outcome before making a decision. You may replay conversations, research extensively, seek reassurance, check and recheck things, or try to plan for every possible scenario. You may feel calmer when you have a plan—and noticeably more anxious when you don't know what is going to happen.
For some people, this need for certainty can also become part of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), where checking, reassurance-seeking, researching, mental reviewing, or other compulsive behaviors are used to try to get rid of doubt.
At the heart of all of this is something very human:
We want to feel safe.
And sometimes, our brains learn that control and certainty are the way to get there.
Why Does Control Feel So Important?
Control can serve a very real function.
When we feel uncertain, our brains naturally look for ways to reduce the unknown. Having a plan can help us feel prepared. Knowing what to expect can help us feel grounded. Taking action can give us a sense of agency when something feels overwhelming.
In many situations, control is helpful.
If you're worried about an upcoming appointment, you might write down your questions. If you're preparing for a difficult conversation, you might think about what you want to say. If you're feeling overwhelmed by a busy week, making a schedule may help you feel more organized.
These are examples of realistic control—identifying what is within your influence and taking reasonable action.
The difficulty comes when our brains begin asking us to control things that aren't actually controllable.
Realistic Control vs. Unrealistic Control
One of the most helpful questions to ask when you're feeling anxious is:
“Is this something I can actually control, or am I trying to create certainty around something that is uncertain?”
Realistic control might look like:
Preparing for an upcoming conversation
Setting a boundary
Making a plan
Asking for clarification
Taking care of your health
Checking your work once
Making a thoughtful decision
Communicating your needs
Choosing how you respond to a situation
These actions acknowledge uncertainty while still allowing you to have agency.
Unrealistic control might look like:
Trying to guarantee that nothing will go wrong
Replaying a conversation until you're certain you didn't make a mistake
Constantly checking something to make sure it's okay
Asking someone repeatedly for reassurance
Researching every possible outcome before making a decision
Trying to predict exactly how someone else will react
Believing you need to feel 100% certain before moving forward
Trying to prevent every uncomfortable emotion
Mentally reviewing the past to find absolute certainty about what happened
The difference isn't always obvious.
Sometimes an action can look like preparation on the outside but actually be an attempt to eliminate uncertainty on the inside.
That's where anxiety and OCD can become particularly tricky.
Anxiety Wants Certainty
Anxiety often tells us that if we think about something enough, prepare enough, check enough, or plan enough, we can finally feel safe.
The problem is that life doesn't offer that kind of guarantee.
You can make a thoughtful decision and still wonder whether it was the right one.
You can prepare for a conversation and still not know how the other person will respond.
You can take reasonable precautions and still not be able to guarantee that nothing unexpected will happen.
You can be a loving, attentive parent and still not be able to control every experience your child has.
You can take care of your health and still experience uncertainty about what the future holds.
Anxiety doesn't just dislike uncertainty. It often convinces us that uncertainty is dangerous.
So we try to solve it.
We think more.
We check.
We research.
We ask for reassurance.
We make backup plans.
We avoid situations where we don't know what will happen.
And sometimes, those strategies work—at least temporarily.
That's what makes them so powerful.
The Temporary Relief Trap
Imagine you are worried that you made a mistake at work.
You check your email again.
You reread the message.
You ask a coworker if it sounded okay.
You feel a little better.
But later, the doubt comes back.
So you check again.
Maybe you ask someone else.
You feel better again—but only for a little while.
This is one way the anxiety cycle can develop:
Uncertainty → Anxiety → Control behavior → Temporary relief → More uncertainty → More anxiety
The behavior isn't happening because you're irrational or because something is wrong with you.
It's happening because your brain has learned:
“When I feel uncertain, I need to do something to make the feeling go away.”
The problem is that repeated attempts to get certainty can actually teach your brain that uncertainty is something you can't tolerate.
How This Can Show Up in OCD
For people with OCD, the need for control and certainty can become especially persistent.
OCD often involves unwanted, intrusive thoughts, images, or doubts followed by compulsions intended to reduce distress or prevent a feared outcome.
Compulsions aren't always visible.
They can include checking, cleaning, counting, researching, asking for reassurance, avoiding certain situations, or repeating behaviors.
They can also happen entirely in your mind.
Mental reviewing, analyzing, comparing, trying to prove something to yourself, or repeatedly thinking through a question can all become forms of compulsive behavior.
For example:
“What if I hurt someone's feelings without realizing it?”
The brain may respond by reviewing the conversation over and over.
“What if I made the wrong decision?”
The brain may respond by researching, comparing options, and repeatedly asking for reassurance.
“What if this thought means something terrible about me?”
The brain may respond by analyzing the thought and trying to prove that it doesn't mean anything.
The goal is usually certainty.
But OCD tends to move the goalpost.
Once you get an answer, another question appears.
And then another.
This is why treatment for OCD isn't simply about finding the perfect answer to every worry. Instead, evidence-based approaches such as exposure and response prevention (ERP) can help people gradually learn that they can experience uncertainty without performing compulsions to make it disappear.
You Don't Have to Give Up Control
Learning to tolerate uncertainty doesn't mean becoming passive or careless.
It doesn't mean you stop planning.
It doesn't mean you don't protect yourself, make thoughtful decisions, or take reasonable precautions.
And it certainly doesn't mean you have to pretend that uncertainty isn't uncomfortable.
The goal is something more balanced:
Learning to recognize what is within your control—and making peace with what isn't.
You can control whether you communicate honestly.
You cannot completely control how someone responds.
You can make a thoughtful decision.
You cannot guarantee that you'll never question it.
You can prepare for a difficult situation.
You cannot guarantee that it will go exactly as planned.
You can care deeply about someone.
You cannot control every part of their life.
You can take reasonable steps to care for yourself.
You cannot eliminate every possible risk or uncomfortable feeling.
This distinction can be incredibly freeing.
What If I Don't Feel Certain?
One of the hardest parts of anxiety and OCD can be accepting that you may never feel completely certain.
You may have to make the decision without knowing exactly what will happen.
You may have to leave the house without checking one more time.
You may have to send the text without rereading it ten times.
You may have to let a conversation exist without analyzing every word afterward.
You may have to notice an intrusive thought without figuring out what it means.
And yes, that can feel uncomfortable.
But discomfort isn't necessarily danger.
You can feel uncertain and still be safe.
You can have a thought without solving it.
You can have a feeling without fixing it.
You can make a decision without a guarantee.
You can allow someone else to have their own reaction.
You can let the future remain unknown.
Learning to Live With “Maybe”
For many people with anxiety or OCD, healing involves developing a greater ability to tolerate the word maybe.
Maybe everything will work out.
Maybe it won't go exactly as planned.
Maybe someone misunderstood you.
Maybe they didn't.
Maybe you made the right decision.
Maybe you'll learn something from it.
Maybe something unexpected will happen.
We don't always get to know.
And that's hard.
But uncertainty is also part of being human.
The goal isn't to become someone who never feels anxious about the unknown. The goal is to become someone who can experience uncertainty without allowing it to run their life.
Sometimes the most helpful question isn't:
“How can I make sure this turns out okay?”
It's:
“What is actually within my control right now, and can I allow the rest to be uncertain?”
That shift can create space for something anxiety often takes away: the ability to move forward even when you don't have all the answers.
How Therapy Can Help With the Need for Control
Letting go of control can sound simple, but actually doing it can feel incredibly difficult—especially when control has become your primary way of managing anxiety.
Therapy can help you slow down and understand what your need for control is doing for you rather than simply telling yourself to “stop worrying.”
Together, therapy can help you:
Identify the thoughts, fears, and situations that trigger your need for certainty
Recognize the difference between realistic problem-solving and anxiety-driven control
Understand patterns of checking, reassurance-seeking, avoidance, overthinking, and rumination
Develop healthier ways to respond when uncertainty shows up
Build greater tolerance for uncomfortable emotions and unanswered questions
Learn how to identify what is actually within your control
Practice responding to anxiety without automatically trying to make it disappear
Develop greater trust in your ability to cope with whatever happens next
For people experiencing OCD, exposure and response prevention (ERP) can be an especially helpful approach. ERP involves gradually facing feared thoughts, situations, or uncertainty while reducing the compulsive behaviors that have been keeping the anxiety cycle going.
Therapy isn't about convincing you that nothing bad will ever happen.
It's about helping you develop the confidence to say:
“I may not know what will happen, but I can handle not knowing.”
That is a very different kind of control.
It's not control over the future.
It's control over how you choose to respond to the present.
You Don't Have to Control Everything to Feel Safe
If you spend a lot of time worrying, checking, researching, seeking reassurance, replaying conversations, or trying to predict every possible outcome, you may be exhausted from trying to create a level of certainty that life simply can't provide.
You don't have to learn how to stop caring.
You don't have to become comfortable with every uncertainty overnight.
And you don't have to figure it all out on your own.
Therapy can give you a space to understand these patterns without judgment and begin practicing a different way of responding to anxiety and uncertainty.
You don't have to control everything to be okay.
Sometimes, feeling safer comes not from having more certainty, but from learning that you can handle what happens next.
Ready to Explore Therapy?
If anxiety, overthinking, or the need for certainty is taking up more space in your life than you'd like, therapy can help.
At Growth Era Counseling & Wellness, we work with adults navigating anxiety, OCD, perfectionism, trauma, and life transitions. Therapy can be a place to better understand your patterns, build practical coping skills, and develop a more trusting relationship with yourself.
You don't have to wait until anxiety is overwhelming to reach out.
If you're ready to explore whether therapy might be a good fit for you, contact Growth Era Counseling & Wellness to schedule a consultation or learn more about available services.