What Emotion Regulation Really Means: And why some adults are just meeting their emotions for the first time

Growth Era Counseling & Wellness | Telehealth Therapy Across Connecticut

“Just regulate your emotions.”

It sounds simple.

But what does emotion regulation actually mean?

It does not mean suppressing feelings.
It does not mean staying calm at all costs.
It does not mean never feeling angry, anxious, or overwhelmed.

Emotion regulation means being able to experience, understand, and respond to emotions without being controlled by them.

And for many adults, this is a skill they were never taught.

Some are only now — in their 20s, 30s, 40s, or beyond — realizing:

“I don’t actually know how to sit with what I feel.”

For some, it feels like meeting their emotions for the first time.

Why Some Adults Are Just Learning This Now

Emotion regulation develops in childhood.

Children learn how to manage feelings when caregivers:

• Name emotions

• Validate experiences

• Model calm responses

• Allow safe expression of frustration, sadness, fear, or joy

• Stay steady during emotional storms

But not everyone grew up with this.

Some adults were taught:

• “Don’t cry.”

• “You’re fine.”

• “Stop being dramatic.”

• “There’s nothing to be upset about.”

• “Calm down.”

• “Be grateful.”

Others were lovingly protected from discomfort — shielded from disappointment, conflict, or failure — and never had opportunities to build emotional tolerance.

Some grew up in homes where emotions were overwhelming, unpredictable, or unsafe.

In all of these cases, the nervous system adapts.

You may have learned to:

• Suppress

• Avoid

• Distract

• Intellectualize

• Over-function

• Shut down

Not because you were weak.

Because you were adapting.

There Is No Such Thing as “Negative Emotions”

We often label emotions as “good” or “bad.”

But emotions are information.

Sadness signals loss.
Anger signals a boundary violation.
Anxiety signals perceived threat.
Guilt signals misalignment with values.
Disappointment signals unmet expectations.
Grief signals love that has nowhere to go.

Even joy can feel dysregulating if it wasn’t modeled or felt safely in childhood.

No emotion is inherently negative.

Some are uncomfortable.
Some are intense.
Some are unfamiliar.

But none are wrong.

When we label emotions as “bad,” we tend to fight them — which increases their intensity.

Regulation begins with allowing.

What Emotional Dysregulation Looks Like in Adulthood

Emotional dysregulation doesn’t always look dramatic.

Sometimes it’s loud.
Sometimes it’s quiet.

It may look like:

• Snapping during small conflicts

• Shutting down mid-conversation

• Overreacting and later feeling confused

• Avoiding difficult discussions entirely

• Crying unexpectedly

• Feeling emotionally numb

• Ruminating for hours

• Panic that feels out of proportion

• Procrastination tied to overwhelm

• Saying “yes” when you mean “no”

• Feeling ashamed of how much you feel

It may sound like:

• “Why am I like this?”

• “I shouldn’t be this upset.”

• “This is stupid.”

• “I’m too sensitive.”

• “I don’t know what I’m feeling.”

It may feel like:

• Heat rising in your chest

• Tightness in your throat

• A lump that won’t go away

• Restlessness

• Sudden exhaustion

• Mental spiraling

• A strong urge to escape

When we haven’t practiced interacting with emotions, they can feel overwhelming — like waves that knock us over instead of something we can float through.

Sometimes We’re Experiencing an Emotion for the First Time

Adulthood brings new emotional terrain.

Grief after losing a loved one.
Regret after a major life decision.
Disappointment in a career path.
Anger in relationships.
Joy that feels expansive — and scary.
Pride that feels unfamiliar.

Even if we’ve felt versions of these emotions before, adulthood changes the context and intensity.

If you were protected from discomfort as a child, you may not have built emotional endurance.

If emotions were minimized, you may not have language for them.

If emotions were explosive in your home, you may fear becoming “too much.”

So when a new emotion arises, the reaction might be:

• Suppress it.

• Judge it.

• Avoid it.

• Distract from it.

• Or feel overtaken by it.

Regulation is not about eliminating the emotion.

It’s about learning how to relate to it differently.

What Emotion Regulation Actually Involves

True regulation includes:

Awareness

Being able to identify what you’re feeling.

Tolerance

Allowing the emotion to exist without immediately reacting.

Interpretation

Understanding what the emotion is signaling.

Response

Choosing a grounded action instead of a reflexive one.

Regulation does not mean staying calm at all times.

It means having flexibility.

It means your nervous system can move through activation and return to steadiness.

Why Self-Compassion Matters

If you are just learning how to interact with emotions, there may be grief.

Grief for the years you judged yourself.
Grief for not being taught these skills.
Grief for feeling “behind.”

But emotional development is not a race.

You are not late.

You are becoming aware.

And awareness is growth.

How Therapy Can Help

Therapy can be a powerful place to safely explore your emotional world.

At Growth Era Counseling & Wellness, emotion regulation work is grounded in trauma-informed and nervous system–based care.

Therapy can help you:

• Increase emotional vocabulary

• Identify patterns in how you respond to feelings

• Understand where those patterns began

• Build tolerance for discomfort

• Learn grounding techniques

• Develop self-compassion

• Strengthen boundaries

• Practice responding instead of reacting

Most importantly, therapy offers something many people did not have consistently growing up:

A regulated presence.

When someone stays steady while you feel big emotions, your nervous system learns something new.

Emotions become less threatening.

More workable.

More understandable.

You Can Interact With Your Emotions Differently

You are allowed to feel anger without exploding.

You are allowed to feel sadness without drowning.

You are allowed to feel joy without bracing for loss.

You are allowed to feel grief without rushing it.

You are allowed to feel disappointment without shaming yourself.

Emotion regulation is not about becoming less emotional.

It’s about becoming more connected — to yourself and to others.

Sometimes we don’t know how to interact with an emotion because we were never given the chance to.

Now, you can.

Growth Era Counseling & Wellness provides trauma-informed telehealth therapy across Connecticut for individuals exploring emotional regulation, anxiety, trauma, grief, and life transitions.

If you’re ready to understand your emotions — instead of fearing them — support is available.