“I Ruin Everything Good”: A Therapist’s Guide to Understanding Self-Sabotage
By: Growth Era Counseling & Wellness [Molly Smith, LPC]
Understanding the Hidden Fears That Drive Self-Sabotaging Behavior
“I am my own worst critic.”
“I always get in my own way.”
“I am my own worst enemy.”
“I ruin everything good in my life.”
If these thoughts feel familiar, you may be experiencing self-sabotage—a cycle of thoughts and behaviors that undermine your own goals, values, or well-being.
But why would anyone deliberately do something to block their own progress?
The truth is, self-sabotage isn’t a conscious decision—it’s a protective strategy rooted in fear, self-doubt, and past experiences. At Growth Era Counseling & Wellness, we help clients understand not just what they're doing, but why—and how to begin changing it.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage happens when your actions, decisions, or thought patterns prevent you from achieving what you truly want. You might avoid opportunities, end relationships prematurely, procrastinate, overthink, or engage in destructive habits.
These behaviors don’t make sense on the surface—but underneath, there’s often an emotional logic at play.
Why Do We Self-Sabotage?
Here’s the key: Self-sabotage is rarely about laziness, weakness, or lack of motivation. It’s about emotional protection. It’s your brain and body trying to keep you safe—even if it no longer serves you.
Here are some of the most common root causes:
1. Fear of Failure
“If I try and fail, I’ll prove I’m not good enough.”
The fear of failure can be so intense that avoiding the attempt altogether feels safer. Self-sabotage becomes a shield from potential disappointment or shame.
2. Fear of Success
“What if I succeed... and then lose it all?”
Success brings new responsibilities, expectations, and vulnerability. For some, it's easier to stay in familiar discomfort than face the risk of loss or change.
3. Low Self-Worth
“I don’t deserve good things.”
If you’ve internalized beliefs that you’re unworthy of love, success, or happiness, you may unconsciously sabotage anything that contradicts those beliefs.
4. Unresolved Trauma
“Good things don't last. It’s safer to stay guarded.”
Past trauma—especially emotional or relational—can create patterns of avoidance and mistrust. You may sabotage closeness, opportunity, or stability as a way of protecting yourself from potential pain.
5. Need for Control
“I’d rather ruin it myself than wait for it to fall apart.”
When life feels unpredictable, self-sabotage can offer a false sense of control. If you’re the one to pull the plug, you’re not caught off guard. But this control often comes at the cost of real connection or growth.
6. Avoidance of Discomfort
“This feels too unfamiliar—I don’t know how to handle it.”
Change, even positive change, can bring emotional discomfort. Many people self-sabotage to stay within the boundaries of what feels emotionally “safe,” even if it’s holding them back.
Signs You May Be Self-Sabotaging
Do any of these feel true for you?
You often interfere with your own goals
You procrastinate on important tasks or decisions
You downplay your accomplishments or fear being “found out”
You avoid intimacy or prematurely end relationships
You say "yes" when you mean "no" (or vice versa)
You compare yourself to others and feel like you don’t measure up
You resist change—even when it could benefit you
You quit things just as they’re starting to go well
These are often protective responses—not flaws. But left unaddressed, they can keep you stuck.
What Self-Sabotage Can Look Like: Real-Life Examples
Relationships
“I’m going to break up with her before she breaks up with me.”
What it really means:
“I’m afraid of being abandoned or hurt, so I’ll leave first to stay in control.”
Work & Career
“I’m not applying to that job—I probably wouldn’t like it anyway.”
What it really means:
“I’m afraid of being judged or rejected, so I’ll avoid the risk.”
Addiction & Recovery
“I slipped up after 6 months sober—I just wanted to celebrate.”
What it really means:
“I’m uncomfortable with success and stability. It feels unfamiliar or undeserved.”
Health & Wellness
“I stopped taking my meds—I felt better, so I didn’t need them.”
What it really means:
“I’m unsure if I’m worthy of feeling good consistently.”
Self-Sabotage Is a False Sense of Control
When we sabotage ourselves, we might feel like we’re staying safe or avoiding pain. But what we’re really doing is reinforcing fear, shame, and self-doubt.
The outcome? Missed opportunities, unfulfilled potential, and a cycle of regret or confusion.
But it can be different.
How to Stop Self-Sabotaging: Strategies for Growth
Here are steps you can take today to break the cycle:
1. Check your alignment
Ask: “Do my actions support the life I want to create?”
2. Challenge negative self-talk
Notice when your inner critic shows up. Replace harsh thoughts with self-compassion.
3. Celebrate small wins
You don’t need to “earn” pride. Honor your progress—big or small.
4. Identify emotional triggers
Which emotions bring up avoidance, overthinking, or impulsivity? Awareness is the first step toward change.
5. Build new coping skills through therapy
You don’t have to do this alone. A therapist can help you explore where your patterns come from and practice healthier responses.
Therapy for Self-Sabotage at Growth Era Counseling & Wellness
At Growth Era Counseling & Wellness, we understand how deeply ingrained self-sabotaging patterns can be. We don’t just treat symptoms—we help you understand the “why” so you can break free from the cycle for good. Sometimes we can read the signs before you can, and help bring awareness in an effort to build confidence and empowerment for our clients.
We work with clients facing:
Relationship struggles
Anxiety, depression, or low self-worth
Trauma and emotional wounds
Career or life transitions
Recovery from addiction or self-destructive habits
We’re here to support your healing with empathy, insight, and effective tools for lasting change.
Ready to Break the Cycle of Self-Sabotage?
You can stop self-sabotaging. You can build a life you’re proud of.
You don’t have to keep getting in your own way. At Growth Era Counseling & Wellness, we help clients rewrite their internal narrative—and finally feel empowered to pursue the life they truly want.
Contact us today to schedule a free 15-minute consultation!